Breaking the News Dilemma

Laura2513

Hi there,

So I'm in a particularly sticky situation. My fiancé and I have been together fiancé October, living together since November, and engaged since January. I am 18 turning 19 in June. He is 21 turning 22.

My parents are divorced. I live with my mum, step dad, and both siblings. They are all very aware of my engagement and the entire progression of my relationship. I wouldn't say they were excited, but they all support my fiancé and me. This side of my family is very open minded and non-traditional. They also know that I did decide after applying to college and seriously considering going due to my other side of my family pressuring me, I have withdrawn and have no intention of going to post-secondary. It has nothing to do with my engagement.

My father's side however, is extremely traditional, pushing for me to go to college, and are completely unaware of the whole situation. They all have been introduced to my fiancé, but do not know that we are engaged, or have been living together, or that I decided that i wasn't going to school. They don't know the age of my fiancé either.

I have not told them any of this information because I feel they will disapprove. I have had a very rough patch with them, I had not spoken to them for six months before December because of them pressuring me about school. They don't take my job seriously because I'm classified as part time, even though I get consistent raises and work a minimum of 30 hours a week, every week, and work 39 a week from May to September. I want to tell them about my decision, my relationship situation, and my engagement as soon as possible.

How do I go about this without offending any of them or having them blame my fiancé for my decisions?

Hummingbird125

I think you have two choices

1) Since you clearly think you are mature enough for marriage, you should be mature enough to accept that your family may not always approve of your choices. Tell them and be prepared that they will voice their concerns, or even get very upset about this news. If you are so sure that these decisions (moving in together, getting engaged, and not going to school) are absolutely the RIGHT choices for you, then you should be okay with moving forward with those plans without your family's approval.

2) Realize that they are so upset because they have valid concerns, and reevaluate whether these are the right decisions for you to make right now.

In my opinion, I'd be on your dad's side. I think your relationship is moving way too fast and there is no need to get engaged now. I also think you are really limiting your career options for your future by not continuing with your education. I don't know you, but I can make those conclusions without all of the details of your life/relationship and be pretty confident that I'm right.

coopergirl15

Hummingbird has it pretty much covered. Being an adult does mean realizing your family won't always approve of your decisions, and doing what you feel is best for you after you have an intelligent, calm conversation with them about their misgivings. Good luck to you, OP!

Knottie

I would sit down and have an open conversation with them. Before you go into details tell them you know they have concerns and are more than willing to address them, but for the next (5, 10, however long) minutes, you just want them to listen. Make sure you follow through and address the concerns, don't just brush it off or say "it's my decision!"

Since you're expecting them to react, go with an open mind and open heart. Addressing their concerns, talking it out and knowing when to calmly say that's enough and to remove yourself from the situation if need be will help you. Don't be defensive or feel like they are attacking you. I'm sure they mean well, and try to see it from everyone's perspective.

Best of luck, keep us posted!

tiny speck

PPs have given you some good advice and things to think about. I'd seriously consider your family's concerns and think about having a long engagement. Congrats!

Laura2513

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I appreciate it.

I do agree, we aren't planning to jump up and get married right away, I was looking at probably at least 4 years engagement. I have been at my job for a long time and it does offer training programs which I've been accepted to several of them, but again my father's side don't believe relevant (i.e. CPR First Aid level C) But I will take all of your advice and let you know how it goes.