My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?

Knottie · March 2013

Hi Ladies, it's been quite the week, and I wanted to ask your opinion on something that happened to me. I have a dear friend who I have known for several years. I became engaged and began planning my wedding. When I became engaged she wasn't too thrilled (she's been putting the pressure on her boyfriend to get engaged for about a year) and I think it was a bitter pill for her to swallow. Exactly one month later she becomes engaged. Which is great, I was super happy for her!

I had decided on a barn/rustic theme. I'm artsy/crafty and I am excited to make decorations, so of course I am bouncing ideas off of my friends in person, via Facebook, Pinterest, etc. My close friend shared with me yesterday that she also is planning a barn/rustic theme wedding via text. She started asking me about prices, decorations, venues, what date is our wedding, etc. WOAH! I kind of feel like I am being copied. She is an extremely close friend, which is perhaps why I feel so weird. "Oh you are planning for spring 2014? So are we!" "You wanted to have an outdoor ceremony? So do we!"

We have the same group of friends, so now I feel like it's going to be a comparison wedding: who had better food, who had better decor, who had better this, better that, etc. At the end of they day it's about FI and I, and what we wanted to do. Not about anyone else or trying to out-do someone else with the same idea. But I feel like she is turning this into a competition.

FI feels that she has always indirectly competed with me in all facets of life. Whatever I have, she has to have a better version, or she isn't happy. I'm not competitive in that kind of nature, so I never saw it until now. I know imitation is the most sincere form of flattery but come on! On the other hand, it's not like I own a theme...anyone can plan whatever they want for their wedding, it's a free country. I haven't said anything to her yet, wanted to gather my thoughts on this one. Would you say something if you were in my situation?

(Also she asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her and now I'm afraid she's going to swagger-jack my dress ideas too!)

kmbryant2413 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-theme-ideas-were-stolen-by-my-bffwhat-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62d7e5a-0471-478a-a981-59b5d604a226Post:4826d411-9526-4c34-ac00-f96566c4ce38">My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies, it's been quite the week, and I wanted to ask your opinion on something that happened to me. I have a dear friend who I have known for several years. I became engaged and began planning my wedding. When I became engaged she wasn't too thrilled (she's been putting the pressure on her boyfriend to get engaged for about a year) and I think it was a bitter pill for her to swallow. Exactly one month later she becomes engaged. Which is great, I was super happy for her! I had decided on a barn/rustic theme. I'm artsy/crafty and I am excited to make decorations, so of course I am bouncing ideas off of my friends in person, via Facebook, Pinterest, etc. My close friend shared with me yesterday that she also is planning a barn/rustic theme wedding via text. She started asking me about prices, decorations, venues, what date is our wedding, etc. WOAH! I kind of feel like I am being copied. She is an extremely close friend, which is perhaps why I feel so weird. "Oh you are planning for spring 2014? So are we!" "You wanted to have an outdoor ceremony? So do we!" We have the same group of friends, so now I feel like it's going to be a comparison wedding: who had better food, who had better decor, who had better this, better that, etc. At the end of they day it's about FI and I, and what we wanted to do. Not about anyone else or trying to out-do someone else with the same idea. But I feel like she is turning this into a competition. FI feels that she has always indirectly competed with me in all facets of life. Whatever I have, she has to have a better version, or she isn't happy. I'm not competitive in that kind of nature, so I never saw it until now. I know imitation is the most sincere form of flattery but come on! On the other hand, it's not like I own a theme...anyone can plan whatever they want for their wedding, it's a free country. I haven't said anything to her yet, wanted to gather my thoughts on this one. Would you say something if you were in my situation? (Also she asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her and now I'm afraid she's going to swagger-jack my dress ideas too!)
Posted by AverageDame1[/QUOTE]

<div>Be the bigger person. Maybe she's excited to be able to bounce things off you, too? You're not the only one who gets married in a barn in the spring.</div><div>
</div><div>Go about your merry way with what you want to do and let her do hers. It's still going to be YOUR day, those people are still going to be there to see YOU, and no one compares weddings. Honestly.</div>

zoberg · March 2013

I would definitely stop telling her any details about my wedding.

winelover123 · March 2013

Don't say anything to her and stop sharing details. Don't invite her dress shopping if you don't want to.

kmbryant2413 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-theme-ideas-were-stolen-by-my-bffwhat-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62d7e5a-0471-478a-a981-59b5d604a226Post:932bdf6d-57d0-4291-a532-50c52773338d">Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would definitely stop telling her any details about my wedding.
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

<div>This too. Listen to her say what she wants to do, but don't tell her what you're doing if you're that concerned about idea and venue 'theft'.</div>

libby18bell · March 2013

Stop telling her any details about the wedding. So she has spring and barn/rustic, but from there on don't share any details with her. Also keep in mind to send out Save the Dates then if there is a chance her wedding will be close to your date, just so your friends have notice and are prepared.

Simply Fated · March 2013

Stop sharing your ideas with her.
Keep reminding yourself that what ever her wedding looks like, it's not yours. Yours will be amazing because it will be special to you, no matter what the theme is. It's just a theme.

AddieL73 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-theme-ideas-were-stolen-by-my-bffwhat-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62d7e5a-0471-478a-a981-59b5d604a226Post:344655e5-3524-4158-ac34-f4c882a3bdb2">Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do? : Be the bigger person. Maybe she's excited to be able to bounce things off you, too? You're not the only one who gets married in a barn in the spring. Go about your merry way with what you want to do and let her do hers. It's still going to be YOUR day, those people are still going to be there to see YOU, and no one compares weddings. Honestly.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

This. I feel like I can't even log onto TK w/o seeing the words "rustic" or "barn" on a daily basis. She hasn't stolen anything. Just stop sharing details if it worries you.

scribe95 · March 2013

Yeah, rustic/barn is a HUGE trend right now. I would just limit your chats to avoid wedding details.

TXKristan · March 2013

Don't go dress shopping together. And, as a Catholic, I've had the church wedding theme stolen by so many people ... I wouldn't worry about it too much

Viczaesar · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-theme-ideas-were-stolen-by-my-bffwhat-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62d7e5a-0471-478a-a981-59b5d604a226Post:0211751e-6c1c-474c-9135-8d0a2080f66e">Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sweetie, I hate to tell you, but your ideas and theme were stolen about 2 years before you even got engaged. This is the MOST popular wedding "theme" at the moment, I would wager to say.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
This.

Knottie · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-theme-ideas-were-stolen-by-my-bffwhat-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62d7e5a-0471-478a-a981-59b5d604a226Post:4826d411-9526-4c34-ac00-f96566c4ce38">My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies, it's been quite the week, and I wanted to ask your opinion on something that happened to me. I have a dear friend who I have known for several years. I became engaged and began planning my wedding. When I became engaged she wasn't too thrilled (she's been putting the pressure on her boyfriend to get engaged for about a year) and I think it was a bitter pill for her to swallow. Exactly one month later she becomes engaged. Which is great, I was super happy for her! I had decided on a barn/rustic theme. I'm artsy/crafty and I am excited to make decorations, so of course I am bouncing ideas off of my friends in person, via Facebook, Pinterest, etc. My close friend shared with me yesterday that she also is planning a barn/rustic theme wedding via text. <strong>She started asking me about prices, decorations, venues, what date is our wedding, etc. WOAH! I kind of feel like I am being copied. </strong>She is an extremely close friend, which is perhaps why I feel so weird. <strong>"Oh you are planning for spring 2014? So are we!" "You wanted to have an outdoor ceremony? So do we!" </strong> We have the same group of friends, so now I feel like it's going to be a comparison wedding: who had better food, who had better decor, who had better this, better that, etc. At the end of they day it's about FI and I, and what we wanted to do. Not about anyone else or trying to out-do someone else with the same idea. But I feel like she is turning this into a competition. FI feels that she has always indirectly competed with me in all facets of life. Whatever I have, she has to have a better version, or she isn't happy. I'm not competitive in that kind of nature, so I never saw it until now. I know imitation is the most sincere form of flattery but come on! On the other hand, it's not like I own a theme...anyone can plan whatever they want for their wedding, it's a free country. I haven't said anything to her yet, wanted to gather my thoughts on this one. Would you say something if you were in my situation? (Also she asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her and now I'm afraid she's going to swagger-jack my dress ideas too!)
Posted by AverageDame1[/QUOTE]

A few of my friends got engaged around the same time and we all asked each other these questions because we found it fun to plan together and share ideas! I also think it's pretty reasonable that if you got engaged around the same time that you may get married around the same time. I don't think having the same theme will push your friends to make comparisons. If they are comparing it will be because that's their personality and not because you are both having rustic outdoor weddings. Additionally, maybe she is just trying to involve you in her planning. As a PP said, I would be the bigger person and just let it go. If this you are very concerned that she will steal ideas just don't mention anything but I would hardly let sharing a very popular theme get between your friendship.

ETA: for grammar!

MoonlightSilver · March 2013

About 9 out of 10 weddings I hear about happening this year and the next are rustic/barn theme. There's nothing strange about her having similar ideas- especially if you're both getting your ideas from pinterest.

ETA: Also, all weddings are compared against each other among a group of friends. It doesn't matter if your wedding happens three years before, or if you have different themes- people will compare the food and stuff.

Stop worrying what your friends think, and do what you want. Have the wedding you want (while properly hosting your guests, of course).

Kate61487 · March 2013

I was thinking much along the same lines as other PPs about how terribly 'original' your theme is. If it's all over pinterest you can pretty much guarantee that it's been done to death (or is about to be).

Just stop sharing details. If she asks or pushes tell her you want things to be a surprise for your guests, including her. Don't stage any kind of talk or intervention, she's allowed to do whatever she wants.

kelleywill · March 2013

Am haveing a rustic barn fall wedding so it can go either way for seasons. If your worried shes going to use your ideas stop telling her like people said. If she tells you what shes doing just dont do what she is as well. Theres many angles of rustic weddings so just pick one and go with it. Also colors can change weddings so haveing differnt colors can make it yours.

Good luck

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

What would I do? Plan my wedding and stop sweating my friend's every move.

yellowdaisies84 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-theme-ideas-were-stolen-by-my-bffwhat-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62d7e5a-0471-478a-a981-59b5d604a226Post:0211751e-6c1c-474c-9135-8d0a2080f66e">Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sweetie, I hate to tell you, but your ideas and theme were stolen about 2 years before you even got engaged. This is the MOST popular wedding "theme" at the moment, I would wager to say.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>This is so true. Take it from me, a rustic barn 2013 bride. You have to remember that spring weddings and rustic themes are really SO popular right now. I'm the first one in my friends and family to have one (although mine's in the fall) so I'm getting lots of compliments on how unique our wedding is going to be. My Mom was really complimenting me on how we are using Mason Jars- what a great idea- and going for rustic-chic instead of formal opulence like everyone else. I had to admit to her- that I'm glad she finds my ideas so unique- but they're actually what everyone else on the internet is doing right now. lol.</div><div>
</div><div>She's your BFF, you girls have so much in common and you both gravitate towards the same things. She was helping you with your details and although it feels like she's 'stealing' your ideas these are probably things that she's loved for a long time too.</div><div>
</div><div>So my advice to you, is to try to calm down and look at it big picture. I don't blame you for your perspective at all, but another one is that just because you chose to do a spring wedding, or a rustic theme, doesn't mean that now your best friend isn't "allowed" to because you called dibs. I'm sure that she'll make lots of choices that reflect her and her fiance and will differ from your wedding in many ways. Be happy for her. As her best friend, cheer her on in her choices the way she supported you and cheered you on. Tell her what you like about her ideas, after all you are bound to like them since they are in similar taste to what you're having. Resist the temptation to get mad, or to get frustrated when she tries to share with you. That's not fair to her.</div><div>
</div><div>Also remember, when two friends are planning a wedding at the same time, this type of thing is inevitable. Sometimes you'll feel like she's copying you, sometimes you'll feel offended that she wants to do something very different than you because it can seem like she's saying she disapproves of how you're doing it- sometimes it will feel like the balance is off between how much time you are spending supporting her vs. you. Just remember your job is to plan your wedding and be her best friend. Getting mad would be a mistake. And, if she ever goes a step too far and plans something the exact same as you very specifically- I'm talking choosing the very same cake, colours, same quote for the ceremony- (not something as broad as choosing the same season or overall popular theme, relax about that) then calmly tell her that you think it would be better if she chooses a different one so that she and you can both feel unique.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

Sierra524 · March 2013

I agree with Kelleywill...there are so many different angels of rustic weddings, she may not be doing the same exact things as you. She probably has different colors too. If your really that worried, stop sharing details.

Knottie · March 2013

Thanks Gals, I had no idea it was a trendy theme...I figured it would be easy to pull off on a budget. She is a dear friend whom I love very much. Just wanted to get feedback from other brides...and feedback is always good.

GoofyAssChick · March 2013

In Response to Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?:
[QUOTE]Thanks Gals, I had no idea it was a trendy theme...I figured it would be easy to pull off on a budget. She is a dear friend whom I love very much. Just wanted to get feedback from other brides...and feedback is always good.

Posted by AverageDame1[/QUOTE]

Being that it's a great theme to pull off on a budget, is probably another reason why it's become so trendy. I had always wanted to have a barn wedding since I grew up on my grandparents Ohio farm. I've wanted mason jars filled with zinnias since I was a little girl. And it just happened to fall within the rustic/vintage barn themes that have become so popular right now. And it's economical. But instead of thinking of it as my ideas are stolen/over-used, etc I look at it from the perspective that I'm able to share ideas with other brides and also buy things on the cheap from those that have had weddings similar to the one I'm planning and use some of their DIY stuff. My wedding will be all about us as a couple with elements of our roots. That's us.

Some ideas like mason jars, shepherd hooks and barns are just going to be popular right now and there is absolutely nothing you an do about it. But its' what you do with those things that will make your wedding unique and special. No wedding will be entirely cookie cutter as long as it reflects who you are as a couple.

Good luck AverageDame.

banana468 · March 2013

You've got to let this go.

Even if she is copying you, stop telling her stuff. She may be competing with you but it's only a competition if you give her the satisfaction of playing the game.

Knottie · March 2013

Ok heres a "test". Go pinterest-plan a different theme for your wedding, share it with her and tell her all about it.

Make it awesome, like Monty Python related and everyone can walk down the aisle with a different "silly walk"!

Or- perhaps you became adventurous!! Have an epic Indiana Jones wedding with whips!

or- a Second Life Wedding - the most convenient destination wedding ever! You make up a magical destination and your online guests login to the grandeur and eat virtual cake. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QF8jbgI1OZE

Here's a dress for your pinterest page:

KindaSparkly · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-theme-ideas-were-stolen-by-my-bffwhat-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62d7e5a-0471-478a-a981-59b5d604a226Post:3f5fd2b7-8953-4a95-a733-f317c86e0dd6">Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok heres a "test". Go pinterest-plan a different theme for your wedding, share it with her and tell her all about it. Make it awesome, like Monty Python related and everyone can walk down the aisle with a different "silly walk"! Or- perhaps you became adventurous!! Have an epic Indiana Jones wedding with whips! or- a Second Life Wedding - the most convenient destination wedding ever! You make up a magical destination and your online guests login to the grandeur and eat virtual cake. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QF8jbgI1OZE" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QF8jbgI1OZE</a> Here's a dress for your pinterest page:
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]
Those dresses look like they are melting or something... awful!<div><div> </div></div>

nda8414 · March 2013

This sounds like the plot of bride wars. I agree, your theme isn't all that original. In addition, the majority of my friends and I are having similar weddings. You guys probably just have similar taste in things.

nda8414 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-theme-ideas-were-stolen-by-my-bffwhat-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e62d7e5a-0471-478a-a981-59b5d604a226Post:3f5fd2b7-8953-4a95-a733-f317c86e0dd6">Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok heres a "test". Go pinterest-plan a different theme for your wedding, share it with her and tell her all about it. Make it awesome, like Monty Python related and everyone can walk down the aisle with a different "silly walk"! Or- perhaps you became adventurous!! Have an epic Indiana Jones wedding with whips! or- a Second Life Wedding - the most convenient destination wedding ever! You make up a magical destination and your online guests login to the grandeur and eat virtual cake. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QF8jbgI1OZE" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QF8jbgI1OZE</a> Here's a dress for your pinterest page:
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

I absolutely love the second life wedding is the new destination wedding idea! Lol

sarahroslansky · March 2013

So, yeah I agree with what everyone else has said that the general "theme" is very popular so you can't really hate on her for doing that. The outdoor and spring parts are also quite popular, so nothing to do about that either. My first thought was, whose wedding is first? Do you have dates yet? And is she mimicking EXACT details? Like you said you were going to do a polariod snapshot guestbook (gotta love pinterest) and now she's doing the exact same thing? Because I would be totally annoyed if I were you and her wedding wound up being the week before yours and she did all the same cute little things you were going to do (baby pictures of bride and groom on the bathroom doors, school pictures of each of you marking the tables, etc). If that IS the situation, I hate to say I think the only thing to do is to abandon those ideas, let her keep them and come up with better ones. Maybe nobody else would care that they were the same, but YOU clearly would and that's what matters. You can't ask her to change hers, but you can make yours more original and different.

rb1734a · March 2013

What a total sneaky snake. I hate girls like that-I bet she's the type to die her hair the same color as yours too! You should tell her to back the eff off and get her OWN ideas. I mean, isn't that what Pinterest is for?

Knottie · March 2013

In Response to Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do? : I absolutely love the second life wedding is the new destination wedding idea! Lol
Posted by nda8414[/QUOTE]

It's really quite cost-effective. You can haves a fairytale wedding and invite all of your real life and virtual guests as you and your beau tap away on your keyboards and mouses creating emotes of love. No travel costs. No stressing out over your weight or skin, I bet you could have as many screen shots of your bridal party's nails as you want! http://secondlife.com/destinations/romance/wedding

But fair warning: Your fairytale may have a happy ending, but it may not involve you... Here's a story from CNN about a woman divorcing her husband for screwing a prostitute in the game they met and married in : http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/11/14/second.life.divorce/index.html?_s=PM:WORLD

tarradesign · March 2013

Every wedding idea and theme is tired and played out by someone. Don't focus so much on making it super duper original... just make it fun for you and your guests and they will enjoy it even if they watched someone marry the week before in the same place in the same dress with the same ideas. They will enjoy it because they love and celebrate your relationship. If they don't, then don't invite them.

My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?

Re: My theme &amp; ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

My theme &amp; ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?

Re: My theme &amp;amp; ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?

Re: My theme & ideas were stolen, by my BFF...what would you do?