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I just asked about this, but...

MillieMae92MillieMae92
in Etiquette
I know I just asked about registry stuff and got great advice that we have listened to and I totally appreciate. Now I have a question about etiquette regarding that advice. I am NOT arguing the advice given, simply curious as to what exactly makes it rude, for my own understanding. 

Honeymoon registries. I get that it is rude and I won't use one no matter whether I agree or not, because it is against etiquette, but what makes it rude? I ask because  we have had a number of guests ask if they can pay for certain activities on our honeymoon (like swimming with the dolphins) or massages or something on our honeymoon. They don't want to just give money because they want a specific thing done with the money. Does that make sense?
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Re: I just asked about this, but...

  • Jen4948Jen4948
    There are two problems with honeymoon registries:

    1)  They are managed by organizations that get a cut of the amounts contributed.  Whatever the couple gets is net of that cut, so they don't get all of whatever is on it that is purchased.

    2) My interpretation, and I could be wrong, is that many people feel that honeymoons are personal expenses that need to be taken care of by the couple and not "solicited" as gifts.
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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010
    1. They are deceptive. People think they are buying you a snorkeling trip, you actually just get a check for the cost of the trip.

    2. Since you are getting a check, not an experience or thing, HRs are a request for cash, which is rude.

    3. They charge your guests or you money to something that can be done for free, write a check, which makes them a scam.
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  • MillieMae92MillieMae92
    In Response to Re: I just asked about this, but...:
    [QUOTE]There are two problems with honeymoon registries: 1)  They are managed by organizations that get a cut of the amounts contributed.  Whatever the couple gets is net of that cut, so they don't get all of whatever is on it that is purchased. 2) My interpretation, and I could be wrong, is that many people feel that honeymoons are personal expenses that need to be taken care of by the couple and not "solicited" as gifts.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    See, if it's based off this, I totally get that it's against etiquette. I didn't realize that's the case (although it makes sense that they would do that from a business aspect).

    If it's based off reason #2, that's the part that confuses me. I guess I just don't understand what makes some things "giftable" and others not.
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  • scribe95scribe95
    Ditto - the people aren't actually getting you that fun thing they think they are. You are getting a cash - after a fee is imposed.
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  • MillieMae92MillieMae92
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-asked-about-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0dc861b-cdb2-49de-a2c5-348623e3d78ePost:6519cb33-7e61-4cbe-8596-20cfe57a5db3">Re: I just asked about this, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]1. They are deceptive. People think they are buying you a snorkeling trip, you actually just get a check for the cost of the trip. 2. Since you are getting a check, not an experience or thing, HRs are a request for cash, which is rude. 3. They charge your guests or you money to something that can be done for free, write a check, which makes them a scam.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>Ah, see in my head I had it pictured as:</div><div>-guest purchases "Swim with Dolphins Excursion"</div><div>-guest pays</div><div>-couple is notified or whatever</div><div>-couple gets a gift certificate towards that activity or some kind or similar credit, not just a check</div><div>
    </div><div>Again, I just want to say I'm not disagreeing with you all, I just think it's important to understand a rule rather than blindly follow.</div>
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  • MillieMae92MillieMae92
    edited March 2013
    Muppet, that makes sense about giftable items. Thanks! 

    I really appreciate everyone giving feedback without yelling at me/assuming I'm trying to pull one over on my guests. So many people seem to think you all are trying to make them feel bad and I think if they just read your comments in a different tone they would see how helpful you all are!
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  • sydariessydaries
    If someone really wants to give you the gift of an experience (a credit on your room for roomservice, or whatever), ask them to settle it with a concierge at your hotel, I have a feeling that they can do it that way (or I could be making it up).
    "I hope your FSIL whips them out when you say "I do" and swings them all around with red, sparkly titty tassles running up and down the asile saying 'Look at my new tittaaayyys!' " -- Isn't that how all new boobs should be debuted? Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • KnottieKnottie
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-asked-about-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0dc861b-cdb2-49de-a2c5-348623e3d78ePost:f79c78a0-662f-46ea-aad8-ac6c19b773d5">Re: I just asked about this, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just asked about this, but... : OMG that's terrible!!! Question answered, thank you all!!!! That's really unacceptable. I will just tell guests if they want to pay for certain things, make sure the card or something defines the purpose of the money they are gifting so we use it correctly. Is that right?
    Posted by MillieMae92[/QUOTE]

    We are not registered anywhere and not having a shower. If you're not having a shower and not registering, you can tell your very close family and friends that you're just really trying to save for your honeymoon or home etc.. and gently pass on the idea that cash is most beneficial for you. Most people give money at weddings anyway.

    People on here have said we will be sure to get some "white elephants" for gifts if we don't register and I think thats highly unlikey with our group, but if it happens it happens and we will be gracious for the thought.  My favorite gifts will probably be any that someone hand picks for us too.

    If you are having a shower, I would register. It would be very awkward to open up checks and gift cards constantly.

    ETA: oh, if someone gifts money with the intention for use at our honeymoon, we are going to write them a note about the experience their gift provided us
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  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain
    edited March 2013
    They bamboozle everyone involved, just to get a percentage of the cut. Shady all aound.
    Anniversary
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  • Brittywest05Brittywest05
    If this people are intent on gifting you something for your honeymoon, see if your can book your trip through a travel agent. We just booked ours and our travel agent offers a 100% free honeymoon registry and the things are actually paid for before you leave. BUT. Our agent did say once people pay the money we can use it at our discretion, ie room upgrades etc. We aren't using that service, but it's maybe something to use if they are insistent on the money going to the honeymoon and not being used weeks later!
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  • StPaul0102StPaul0102
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-asked-about-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0dc861b-cdb2-49de-a2c5-348623e3d78ePost:c7601763-b0d5-4e5d-9a12-df297f97bc40">Re: I just asked about this, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If someone really wants to give you the gift of an experience (a credit on your room for roomservice, or whatever), ask them to settle it with a concierge at your hotel, I have a feeling that they can do it that way (or I could be making it up).
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I was the MOH in a wedding last year and the wedding party chipped in to set up a couples massage for the bride and groom on their honeymoon. I just called up the hotel and paid for it in advance with my credit card and then when they checked in they were notified of the present. It was really simple. </div>
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  • zobergzoberg
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-asked-about-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0dc861b-cdb2-49de-a2c5-348623e3d78ePost:76b19ee7-66f6-4a98-abdf-cadf7fb014b4">Re: I just asked about this, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just asked about this, but... : I was the MOH in a wedding last year and the wedding party chipped in to set up a couples massage for the bride and groom on their honeymoon. I just called up the hotel and paid for it in advance with my credit card and then when they checked in they were notified of the present. It was really simple. 
    Posted by StPaul0102[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's awesome. This is how a honeymoon-gift should be done - willingly (by the guest) and honestly.</div>
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  • scribe95scribe95
    I have also called the hotel of a honeymooning company and paid for strawberries and champagne to be delivered when they checked in. It's easy to do stuff like that.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-asked-about-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0dc861b-cdb2-49de-a2c5-348623e3d78ePost:0e152698-72a5-43be-be1a-d10caee900bf">I just asked about this, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know I just asked about registry stuff and got great advice that we have listened to and I totally appreciate. Now I have a question about etiquette regarding that advice. I am NOT arguing the advice given, simply curious as to what exactly makes it rude, for my own understanding.  Honeymoon registries. I get that it is rude and I won't use one no matter whether I agree or not, because it is against etiquette, but what makes it rude? I ask because  <strong>we have had a number of guests ask if they can pay for certain activities on our honeymoon (like swimming with the dolphins) or massages or something on our honeymoon. They don't want to just give money because they want a specific thing done with the money.</strong> Does that make sense?
    Posted by MillieMae92[/QUOTE]

    If someone approaches you about this you can, first, let them know what you just learned: that they DON'T actually purchase the item the company just writes the couple a check so you feel that's dishonest (I add this b/c I think it's important that more people understand how this actually works so hopefully they won't be so excited about it and maybe it will fall out of popularity faster).  Second, you can either tell them "Oh well we're staying at the Hilton in Maui" or you can tell them that if they make that request known to you you'll certainly use their gift in that manner.
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